My 2024 Mantra

My life feels different. At the start of winter break, I couldn’t quite figure out why, but I’ve recently realized I’ve stopped thinking about the past.

For 6 years, I’d find myself instinctively obsessed with where I was the year prior.  And then I’d desperately try to relive that year as if I was scripting a movie: eat the same foods and do similar activities. Even my wardrobe was a throwback. Maybe I lived retrospectively because I thought my past was better than my present. 

But I was wrong. My past was predictable but not necessarily better. My junior year was a low point. I lost all of my instincts and I had no idea what I enjoyed anymore. So when my senior year rolled around, I knew I couldn’t try to recreate junior year because it didn’t help my situation. 

Forcing myself to finally move on and live in the moment, I worked on changing my habits. First, I spent time alone. I discovered who I was by allowing my mind to wander solo. Second, I started to listen to my instincts. In the past, I’d find myself relying on known comforts, but I now knew this would only leave me drained and unfulfilled. Lastly, I worked on a new mantra: “Good things will happen if I don't force them like before.”

Today, I live such a beautiful and authentic life. No longer bogged down by the past, I look to a brighter future.

The Blessing of Boredom

I think many of us will one day find ourselves in a time period in which nothing is going on. I find myself in this very place right now and typically every year around this time. 

I’m going to be honest. My phone is dry. My friends are all good. No drama. No stressors on me. No impending doom that I feel.

And I go to one of my trusted friends saying this is terrible news. A “crisis” I called it. Nothing was going on my life I told her. There was no new boy I was interested and I didn’t feel any pressure. I guess the public school system has taught me to always have anxiety like a soldier after war.

She tells me how lucky I am. Doubtfully, I listen. She tells me how I have all the time in the world to focus on college applications, getting my nails done, or take a bubble bath. A vacation she called it.

Too often do I forget about the times when too much was going on and I didn’t feel I had time to take one breath. In the past, I have taken for granted the peace that is boredom. But right now I’m going to take that vacation because who knows when it will come to an end.

July 11th

This is just one of many “blurt-outs” about my very teenage life, so brace yourself.

I think when girls are young they see Prince Charming on TV or something and have this longing to be wanted by someone so bad. Regardless of how this person pursues her, in a little girl’s mind it only matters that she’s being pursued.

I’m not so little anymore, yet I have only recently realized that I should hold a certain standard for any person that claims to want to be with me. I’m not saying I didn’t have boundaries. I have the typical boundaries any teen girl would have: Don’t be an asshole, don’t be rude to the people I care about, occasionally take me out on a date, etc.

I’ve recently learned, however, someone can be so in love with you (and you love them back), treat you as if you are their entire world, take you out on dates, make you laugh, laugh at your jokes, practically travel all throughout Italy with, yet still not be for you.

Why you may ask? Because there’s a difference between wanting someone for real and only wanting them because you can’t have them.

There’s this weird thing about guys: sort of like a kid in a candy shop, but with no money. When someone can’t have you and they spend nearly a year pining after you in hopes that you will take them up on their offer, once they do finally get what they want, yeah, they’ll be great. They’ll check all of those boxes off until that longing for you dies.

As a victim of this (numerous times), I recommend you to shut the door on this person. Leaving and coming back only gives them that feeling of newness and wanting that they crave, but it’s not real love. If they really cared about you, they wouldn’t get sick of you. They wouldn’t walk away again in the midst of the laughter.

Babysitting at Door of Hope

Door of Hope has been an organization I have grown a much more in depth connection than I ever thought I would. I was introduced to the homeless organization through the National Charity League. At first, it was merely an organization I donated party decorations and other supplies to.

I started getting more involved with Door of Hope by being a social media intern. I worked with Alli Burnison from Door of Hope. She would give me details on posts and recent donations they had received. Then I would create some content on Canva. I really enjoyed the work and loved to incorporate it into my week. The love for Door of Hope grew only bigger.

Today proved that to me even more. I signed up to babysit kids at one of the Door of Hope houses. Marco from Door of Hope introduced me to three lovely kids. Playing games, freeze tag, and biking around the play area, the two hours flew by fast. These kids were passionate and excited about the things Door of Hope gave them. A simple round of Connect4 made them all so happy. And if an amateur Connect4 player, such as myself, can put a smile on Khamari, Benji, and Sophie’s face, I’m sure anyone can.

A Summer For Myself

I’m in Placencia, Belize and it is June 14, 2023.

Some kids my age see summer as a time to be free, party or drink their hearts away. There are others who see it as a time to level up for college by taking college courses and getting a job. I will never take an online summer school class again. I’ve done that (five times over).

Then there’s me. A “self-love summer” sounds too cliche and calling it a “self-realization summer” makes me sound like a privileged middle-aged white woman. I don’t know what to call my 2023, but I’m going with it…

The rules for myself that I have decided to follow with no question:

1. Little to no social media

I have deleted Instagram, BeReal, and TikTok (frankly I feel that TikTok is a little overrated for me, but to each his own). I’ve found myself so consumed by what others were doing and posting and dancing to. It’s honestly a never-ending hole that will only keep getting deeper. I have a life and I need to go and live that shit. So the less time I am on my phone, the better.

2. Eating clean

Too much of the time I find myself with a stomachache and fighting this feeling of pure illness with many different types of foods. Maybe I have some undiagnosed IBS or allergy, but, again, I have a life and I cannot treat it as though I’m going to live forever. The least I can do is eat a vegetable no matter how hard that may be.

3. Isolate

Now I know the pandemic was hard for everyone. People lost jobs, money, and lives. It was hard to find light in a dark, dark place while in a quarantine. But, for me, I talked to no one and I was the happiest I had ever been. I am a natural born extrovert, but I give up so much of myself to people and while in quarantine I could figure out who the hell I wanted to be. Miraculously, I found that and I held onto it for so long. But I’ve grown up and things change. So I need to spend this summer (finally out of quarantine) by myself to figure out who I am now.

By doing these three things, I hope to create some sense of self. I’m going into senior year and I don’t want to feel so insecure about who I am and I damn well won’t let that ruin my last year of high school. If everyone thinks I’m this ethereal being, maybe I can see it in myself. I also hope to create a routine to mimic this person I want to become. I feel that I can do it, but it takes a lot of work. This blog will help keep me accountable to my goals and also track my progress. I look forward.

Sandcastle Theory

I frequently struggle with accepting the help of others. In schoolwork, projects and in my relationships, I always believe I can handle everything on my own. That’s why I’m always the one to do my own work, lead the group projects, and push people away when things get too hard.

And when I was laying out on a beach in Belize looking out into the horizon, I looked to my right and started messing with the sand. Building a sandcastle (in reality it was just a pile of sand), I started to use the sand surrounding this area to build a tall mound. This pile would now stand out and above because I scooped all the sand together to help this “castle”.

But then I reworked my sandcastle concept. I flattened the sand and started from scratch. I began to push away the surrounding sand creating a moat. By doing this, I made this “sandcastle” appear to be tall and strong, but it wasn’t. It only seemed that way because there was hardly any sand to get near this “castle”. Some people are similar to these types of sandcastles. They think they are strong and self-sufficient, but in actuality they have neither grown nor helped themselves. This sandcastle is the same height as before the only difference is it has pushed away the help of surrounding sand.

And maybe if we accepted the support of our friends, family, partners, and coworkers we could scoop that sand to build ourselves higher than ever before. I am guilty of creating a moat, but everyday I am learning to fill it with much more sand by communicating, being loving, and understanding that not everything is up to me or needs to be led by me alone without partners. I, and everyone else in this world, cannot do everything without other people.